I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
