I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
