id be glad to
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
