I met the friendliest cop last night
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
