just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
