maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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