just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
