I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
