Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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