apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
