3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
