yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
