so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
