According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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