Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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