I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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