Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
