I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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