I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you will always have a special place in my vag
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
