but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
