DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
