I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he was CRYING into my vagina
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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