I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
