Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
