is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
