dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
