my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
