i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
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Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
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Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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