That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
