Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
