I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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