the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
