I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
