I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize