are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
