I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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