I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
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She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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