The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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