he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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