I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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