Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
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I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
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There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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