Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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