God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
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He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
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Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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