I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.
"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.
I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
