Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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