It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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