And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
