just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
