Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
