Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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