Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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