why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
