I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
