dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
